I have a very quick wit. It's like I have a comeback before the question is even presented. This skill of mine is not always appreciated, and some consider it to be a smart mouth, but "WHATEVA".
Having a quick wit and being a black girl is often mistaken for being any of the following:
angry
hard to get along with
non-conforming
difficult
You get my point, right.
It is even harder when the only black girl in the room or on the team is you (me in this case).
I have found that the tech culture is not always a give and take dynamic, but I have been expected to simply take and hush. This little girl from South Memphis does not respond well to this dynamic.
How it started
A time long, long ago...a manager on another team asked me for an Excel file and I sent it to her. She decided that she wanted to see a certain group, so she kept saying that I did the file wrong. The issue was that she needed to apply a filter to see the group, but she did not know how. She would never admit not knowing how, so her goal was to displace blame. I went to her and said "do you need help applying a filter" (facial expressions and all), and she was furious. I was told later by my manager that my tone was not appropriate. After several occasions like this, I started looking for another job and left in about a month. Yeah. I ran.
How it's going
So, after some griping, moaning, coaching, praying, and some more stuff, I have learned to handle instances like this differently. To be clear, things like this still happen occasionally. People talk crazy, make ridiculous requests, displace blame, and flat out lie a lot of the time. My quick wit has not left, I just keep the South Memphis way internal and give a professional response outwardly. I have learned to let more things just roll and pick my battles.
What I know for sure is sometimes my very presence just instantly inserts a tone. People sometimes get upset when I know the answer and they sometimes get upset because I have the answer. I definitely have to keep working on my facial expressions (a life long project at this point). I am also aware that people use their "tone deafness" (assuming a certain tone based on the person) as an excuse to paint negative pictures or to simply cover up their own lack of knowing.
No matter the circumstance, I want to make sure as much as possible the problem is not me. Therefore, effectively communicating has taken me a lot further in this career journey.
Here is a really good article that talks about "tone".
I hope this helps.
I actually could have used some of this earlier, but better now than never.
Remember, let's keep it classy. We can vent at brunch with our friends.
Drop a comment below and let me know how you handle this type of "it".
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I had an experience last year when I was hired by a female CIO to conduct an audit on their Company's telecom billing. When we had our first meeting and her male director was on the call and I explained that I had discovered a billing problem of over $40K a month in over billing the Director said, in front of the CIO 'Clearly You are Mistaken.' Suffice it to say, I was not mistaken but this was such an example of someone talking to me like I did not know what I was doing. Had I not been confident of my findings it could have gone very differently. Even when I know I am right, if I am…
I had written a whole comment! It was probably too long anyway. I've chosen the same route, Kim. Just choose my battles. As a total extrovert, this is HARD, but I'm use to it - especially in positions like ours.
Ms. Kim this was good! I definitely struggle with this via email a lot more than in person or via a phone call.